Jokes, put ya jokes in here

[Stambo]

Two elderly ladies were sitting on a bus when this dirty old man in an old grey coat ripped it open and flashed them.
One had a stroke.
The other couldn't reach.

[Tony]

Haha, nice one Stambo

[cml001]

Lol

[KevG]

A burglar breaks into a house and while he's fumbling around he hears "Jesus is watching you" alarmed he looks around, seeing nothing he continues and again hears "Jesus is watching you" he searches around with his torch and sees a parot, he asks was that you to which the parrot replies "Jesus is watching you" this time he's not alarmed and asks "are you Jesus" "no" the parrot replies "I'm Mohamed" while laughing the thief asks "what type of person names their parrot Mohamed" to which the parrot replies "the same type of person that names the Rottweiler Jesus"

[Lee]

Little Jonny is round at his grandparents house.
His mum and Gran go out shopping and leave him with his grandad.
Well he's a very hyper active kid, so as soon as his mum is out of the door, he's jumping around on the furniture and causing chaos.

So his grandad thinks " what can I do to calm him down?"
"I know, I'll show him my war medals"
Grandad says "Jonny, would you like to see my war medals?"
WAR MEDALS GRANDAD, WAR MEDALS!!!!! SHOW US YOUR WAR MEDALS.
So his grandad pulls out a little box and show Jonny the war medals.
BUGGER ME GRANDAD REAL WAR MEDALS!!!!
Grandad say Jonny!!!! you can't swear. Thats really bad.
I COULDN'T HELP IT GRANDAD I COULDN'T HELP IT. REAL WAR MEDALS!!!!!! HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE FROM THE WAR??

Grandad says, well I have got an old German helmet.
A GERMAN HELMET GRANDAD!!!!! SHOW US THE GERMAN HELMET.
So grandad pulls a German helmet out from under the bed.
BUGGER ME GRANDAD!!!!!!! A REAL GERMAN HELMET. WITH A BULLET HOLE IN IT
Grandad clips him round the ear, and says, I told you not to swear. Your mum will kill you if she hears you swearing. You mustn't swear.
I COULDN'T HELP IT GRANDAD, A REAL GERMAN HELMET. HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING ELSE FROM THE WAR????

Well grandad says. Don't tell anyone, but I have got an old rifle.
A RIFLE GRANDAD, A RIFLE???? SHOW US YOUR RIFLE.
Grandad says, go fetch it for me. Its in the airing cupboard behind the tank.
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A F'ING TANK !!!!!!!!!

[Stambo]

Lol

[Graham Lawrie]

A man down on his luck but desperate for sex goes into a brothel and asks the madam " What can i get for £1"

The madam says " We have a pot luck room you take what you get when you go in".
The man enters the room in total darkness then a light goes on. Standing in the corner is a kangaroo. The man chases it round the room until he eventually catches it and has sex with it.

Two weeks later he returns with loads of money and asks the madam for the best woman in the brothel. The madam points him to the top floor room. On his way to the room he passes a crowd in a huddle. He makes his way to the front of the huddle and sees a whole in the floor, through which to his amazement there is a man having sex with a sheep. He turns to the man next to him and says "Thats disgusting". To which the man replies "Thats nothing, the other week there was a guy having sex with a Kangaroo".

[murankar]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[murankar]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[murankar]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[Graham Lawrie]

Adam was walking in the garden of eden and he saw eve in the river and shouted " Get out of there woman or we will never get that smell off the fish":)

[pvolcko]

Easy boys.

[Vipertech13]

Ma and Pa were at the annual county fair. Ma was looking over the canning and baked goods and Pa was looking at the new farm equipment as the met up to get some food and drink they walked by this fella offering plane rides for $10.00. Pa wanted to go really bad but old Ma said "10 dollar is 10 dollars" So they went on. Well year after year went by with the same old thing "Pa, 10 dollars is 10 dollars" Well the pilot had enough and made them an offer Ma would accept!
"I'll take you two up for free if you can go the whole ride with out any talking or arguments" Well Ma always liked free stuff so off they went, and the pilot had no mercy barrel rolls, loops, dives just being as aggressive as possible and yet not a peep from behind him! While approaching the run way he said "I am impressed and I guess you folks win, not a single word!" Then Old Pa says "Well I was going to say something when Ma fell out on that Barrel roll BUT 10 dollars is 10 dollars!"

[pvolcko]

Ouch.