Jokes, put ya jokes in here

[Tony]

I'll start

Think Carefully Before Speaking

WIFE: "If I died, would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Of course not!"

WIFE: "No? Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do!!!"

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Alright, I would."

WIFE (looking hurtful): "You would?"

HUSBAND: "I would, but only because it was so good with you."

WIFE: "And you'd sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would you want us to sleep?"

WIFE: "And you'd replace all my photographs with hers?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, it's only natural, I guess."

WIFE: "And she'd use my car?"

HUSBAND: "No. She can't drive."

WIFE: (silence)

HUSBAND: "Oh F***!"

[murankar]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the pirate and says "hey you have a stearing wheel on your belt!"
The pirate responds (in your best pirate voice) "Arrr, it be drivin me nuts!"

[Graham Lawrie]

Two fish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says " Do you know how to drive this thing"?

[Graham Lawrie]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish"?

[Tony]

Haha, I like it...

As a senior citizen was driving down the M1, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "John, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1.
Please be careful!"

"Hell," said John, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Tony]

An optimist thinks the glass is half full

A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty

An engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be..

[Lee]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[Lee]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[Lee]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

[Graham Lawrie]

Whats brown and quacks?

Donald Mince:)

[Graham Lawrie]

Whats black and white and sits on a wall?

Humpty baseball boot:)

[Graham Lawrie]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1........but its really got to want to change:)

[Graham Lawrie]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead:)

[Graham Lawrie]

Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the first one:)

[Graham Lawrie]

Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game:)

[Graham Lawrie]

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

He thought he was a monkey:)

[Tony]

David Beckham stands up to deliver an after dinner speech and starts...
"They're small and white and taste minty, yer know, and help keep my breath fresh, like."
Suddenly he feels a sharp dig in the ribs and Posh hisses up at him "You're meant to be talking about TACTICS, you idiot!"

[Tony]

Little boy asks dad "whats love juice" so dad explains when 2 people love each other they get to gether and play with each others bits when they get wet thats love juice.
The boy then said "what has that got to do with tennis"

[Tony]

How to improve sales:

A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Eye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Lemington."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked

"OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one?

Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?
....... "£124,237.64 replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was gannin fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"


"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said.........


'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing."

[murankar]

That's a good one but heard it somewhere else. Actually I read it. Still a good joke.